I don’t make resolutions!  I hate them!  They are an acceptable way for people to feel unsuccessful and inadequate.  And the worst part is the way they are set up!  No wonder so many people don’t keep them.

Dictionary.com defines Resolution as

This may have started out with good intentions, a time to make changes and improvements in our lives, but in today’s day and age they aren’t very practical.  Life is so busy for most of us, and we are all trying the best we can, but it can get overwhelming to do our daily tasks, always keeping in mind our resolutions.

Given that one of the most commonly asked questions this time of year is how to keep a New Year’s Resolution, I thought I would share some tips to make the first of the year a time of success for those of us living with ADHD.  Here is my list of 6 things that will help you make this year a success:

1.       Don’t make another resolution!  Goals, yes.  Resolutions, no.  It is easier to accept striving for a goal and falling short than it is to break yet another New Year’s Resolution.  One of the biggest challenges for people living with ADHD is the constant feeling of failure, so it is extremely important not to add to that.  Goals are something we can reach for on a daily basis, and know that even if we don’t reach them, at least we will have come closer than if we didn’t try at all.

2.       Make your goals measurable.  As an example I will tell you one of my goals for the new year.  I will not drink more than one Pepsi a day.  Now, that seems concrete and rigid, but I go on to say I will allow myself two Pepsis in a day twice a week.  That may sound confusing, but I know my psychology, and I know that if I make too rigid a goal, I will “rebel” against it and not reach it.  I am setting goals to be able to achieve them, so I have to work with the way my own brain works.

3.       Share your goals with someone.  I think I just did that.

4.       Work with your own psychology.  If you are a contrarian by nature, meaning you tend to hear something and do the opposite (many people with ADHD have this fun trait) then know that and work with it.  If rigid rules make you nervous and want to rebel, make your goals a little flexible.  If it’s hard for you to remember your goals, choose some that you can measure every day, therefore making it a habit rather than an exercise in memory.

5.       Make your goals small enough so you will see successes.  For me, not having that second or third Pepsi won’t do much for me.  But the cumulative effects of cutting my Pepsi intake by 50% or more will, hopefully, be to lose weight, feel better, have more energy, etc.  So take your larger goal and break it down into measureable goals you can achieve on a regular basis.

6.       Have fun with your goals!  Choose goals you will enjoy meeting and telling people when you met them.  Pick things that you want, or will help you to get something you want.  If your goals are miserable for you to keep, you won’t.  So find a way to make them fun.  And if the goal itself can’t be made interesting, try playing around with a reward and see if you can make it interesting that way.

So, make this year the year that you keep all your “resolutions” and the best way to do that is to not make any!  Give yourself some goals and shoot for those instead!

Good luck!

P.S.  Why don’t you take a minute and share your goals with me?  Grab a coffee, pull up a chair and share your top 2 or 3 goals here.  Together we will get further than ever before.  And hey, if you tell me your goals, and you miss one, you won’t have to look at me when you tell me that.  There’s no judgement here, so it might be a nice way to try out step 3 from the above list without risk. 

I had great plans for this weekend.  Stay in my pajamas all day (okay, I pulled that one off yesterday!), work on dream boards with my daughters, formalize and crystallize my goals, clean the house.  It all seemed so doable on Friday as I thought about it.  But here, on Sunday night, I accomplished probably 25% of what I set out to do, and never did get to the dream boards!

Living in a house with ADHD in all inhabitants, including the pets, can make it very difficult to accomplish the things we set out to do each day.  It takes a lot of focus and patience to get even 1/10 of what you wanted to get done accomplished.  And that focus and patience take a lot of energy to maintain.  Then, with a lack of energy our focus and patience suffer.  Some days it seems like a vicious circle that is destined to repeat itself.

This week I was asked how to help a mother who is struggling with her child’s coaches regarding his ADHD.  I will direct her to the appropriate legal information, but it always comes back to focus and patience.

In order to have these qualities and to live the best life we can, we must constantly strive to live a life of great understanding.  We must force ourselves to find patience where there otherwise is none, to bring focus to an otherwise very scattered situation.  These are the everyday struggles a family living with ADHD must face, and most importantly, overcome!

I spent a lot of time this weekend thinking about these two traits, where they are present in my own life, and where I need to build them.  It seems we are all capable of exhibiting patience and focus in the areas of our life that we find them to be critical, whether it is our work, parenting, volunteering, our relationships with our spouses.  Yet, when asked, we will all claim this as our toughest struggle.

I wonder, is operating with patience and focus the struggle?  Or is it being able to inject these highly valuable traits into all areas of our lives that seems overwhelming?  I’m not totally sure of the answer, but I will get back to you…

Think of it as a part of your child, albeit a part you may not be very familiar with right now, and thus not super adept at dealing with, but that can change, and quickly.

Once you learn to embrace ADHD and the incredible gift that it is, you will see miraculous changes start to take place.  I’m telling you, the little changes are amazing!

Here are just a few of the changes that families are seeing once they try these things:

·         Less yelling in the household

·         Over a 30% increase in grades in less than 6 weeks

·         Went from 13/60 on timed math tests to 60/60 in three weeks

·         Looks forward to new school year

·         Wants to work on math, reading and writing over summer

·         Gradual acceptance, understanding, by everyone, that their behaviors are not personal, thereby reducing the negative feelings in the whole house

·         Less frustration

·         More happy times

·         Enjoying each other more often

·         Fewer arguments

·         Cleaner house (that’s right, I said a cleaner house, I’ll explain more later)

Now that you have a better understanding of how ADHD feels, and how you can work to re-frame it for yourself, you will begin to see some changes already happening, if you’re doing the work discussed.

Now, some overall belief sets that will be critical to hold to ensure that a successful and meaningful change takes place in your family:

·         Your child is inherently good

·         There are good, workable solutions for working with ADHD

·         The situation is hopeful, filled with wonderful possibilities

·         Your child is NOT deliberately ignoring you or making your life difficult

·         ADHD is far more difficult for your child than for you (unless you, like myself, have the pleasure of having it too)

·         You can get a break from ADHD (again, assuming you don’t also have it) by getting a break from your child, they never can

·         They want to do well, but usually do not know how

·         They lack skills to reach their potential, though they desperately want to have them

·         They tend to be perfectionistic

·         To avoid failure, oftentimes they will not try, thereby appearing apathetic, when in fact it is just the opposite, they care too much

·         Given the time, attention and faith they WILL excel beyond your wildest dreams!

·         You can ALL do ANYTHING

Practice functioning under these belief sets for the next several weeks and see what kind of difference you see in your family.

I’m not sure if I told you or not, but last week my oldest daughter graduated from high school with an advanced diploma!  It was a huge accomplishment for her.  She took additional classes, some of them advanced placement level, and maintained a specified GPA throughout all 4 years of high school in order to earn her advanced diploma.

What does that do for her?  Well, several things:

·         Gives her a sense of pride

·         Lets her know she can accomplish her goals

·         Allows her to realize a long term goal, rather than just instant gratification

·         Gives her something additional to put on job applications

·         She can put it on college applications as well

So, as a proud parent I was feeling particularly grateful the other day, actually, most of the last week, and wondering what I could give back to the society that has allowed her to do so well.

Okay, so to make a long story short, I’ve decided to give you a gift.  The best thing I could think of to give is the gift of help.

Amber’s Yeah!  She Did It, Once In A Lifetime, High School Graduation Celebration Offer

I am offering 45 minute sessions to anyone and everyone who wants one to discuss parenting challenges and goals, and to develop an action plan to work on those goals!  What does this mean to you?

So many of you have written with questions, asking for help, looking for answers.  Normally I charge $100 for a 45 minute session with parents to discuss their challenges and what they would like to accomplish.

Right now however, I am not going to be charging that fee.  I want to help as many people as possible over the next 30 days.  I have given myself a challenge to help as many parents as possible, with a personal minimum of 100, by July 15, 2008.

I know, I know, that’s a big goal.  But if I’ve learned anything from my work with kids with ADHD it’s that big goals can be achieved!  It just takes massive action and a determination to make it happen.

So, from now until July 15, to make sure I reach my goal, I am going to be scheduling parenting coaching sessions at an amazing discount.  Instead of my regular $100 fee, I will only be asking $25.  I would love to do this at no cost, but that simply isn’t feasible given the costs involved.

I tried to figure out the best way to make this happen, and make it possible for everyone to take advantage of it if they would like.  Since there are many of you from different countries, and phone calls aren’t always possible, given time differences, etc., I have set up several options for you to take advantage of this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity!

For Amber’s Yeah!  She Did It, Once In A Lifetime, High School Graduation Celebration Offer, I will schedule your time as soon as I hear from you that you would like to take advantage of this chance.  If you are not able to meet over the telephone, we will schedule our time through a special email address I have set up that only I have access to.  I will be checking it every day and responding quickly to any and all emails regarding this offer.

But, this offer won’t last forever.  With my schedule, you need to let me know if you want to take advantage of this amazing offer right away.  I will have to close this offer once my schedule fills up, as this is for unique, absolutely personal access to me, to ask your questions and formulate a plan of attack to help your child quickly and effectively with lasting change!

So, send me an email right away to take advantage of this amazing offer!  Oh, and one last thing.  I know you’ve tried things before, read books, talked with doctors, etc.  But this is different.  And how can I prove to you it’s different?

Well, first of all you know by my previous newsletters and articles that my approach is different than others you may have tried.  In fact, most of you have written telling me of success you have experienced already!  Imagine seeing even bigger changes!  The kind you’ve been wishing for.

So, for this incredible opportunity, if you take advantage of Amber’s Yeah!  She Did It, Once In A Lifetime, High School Graduation Celebration Offer, and you implement the things we discuss and you don’t feel you got a great deal, just let me know what you tried and why you don’t think the time was worth it, and I’ll refund your money.

That’s it.  A nice, simple, straight forward guarantee that your time will be well spent, and you and your family will notice the change!

So, drop me an email today, get your time reserved, and take advantage of my gratitude and positivity! 

Have You Heard?

I’m not sure whether or not you have heard, but there has been a recent study with some interesting findings.  This study measured the productivity of workers in 10 different countries, the only ones that study and measure the impact of ADHD as a condition.

This groudbreaking study is going to be the beginning of a lot of conversations surrounding the issue of ADHD in adults.  Why?  Because the findings of this study have long-reaching implications. 

They looked at the productivity levels and missed work of 7,000 people in 10 different countries.  What did they find?

Workers with ADHD tend to have 22 more days of missed productivity at work than their non-ADHD counterparts.

So, who exactly did they talk to?  And what exactly did they find out?

Employed and self-employed workers aged 18 – 44 were screened for ADHD as part of the World Health Organization World Mental Health Survey Initiative in Belgium, Colombia, France, Germany, Italy, Lebanon, Mexico, the Netherlands, Spain and the USA.

They asked the workers about their time lost over the previous month, and worked the numbers to come up with annual figures.  Here’s what the numbers showed:

Workers with ADHD were found to take an average of eight days off sick each year.

They also had, on average, 21 days where they did less work than they should have and 13 days where their work was of poorer quality – each of which was deemed to equate to half a day of lost performance.

ADHD was more prevalent in men and workers in developed rather than developing countries.

Add to this the fact that we already know workers with ADHD make less money and tend to have more jobs than those without, and employers are likely to start taking a closer look at their employees with ADHD.

All of these numbers have fascinating implications for the workplace, whether you are an employee, employer, or both (as in the case of the self-employed).  I don’t think all of the repercussions from this study have been seen yet, but they will.

Here are some questions this brings up for me:

• Have they studied the effects of raising a child with ADHD on a worker’s productivity?
• How many more absences do kids with ADHD have than kids without?
• How will they keep this information from being used to stigmatize adults, and children for that matter?
• How much of these are due to increased illness (from running and not taking a break, hence weakening our immune system) or taking care of our ADHD kids?

Let me know your thoughts on these, and other questions it brings up. 

Just something to think about.

Until next time…

~Tracy

Now that I have survived the 18th birthday, complete with visiting relatives, she is graduating in 8 days (not that I am counting).  So, this coming weekend brings more family coming from out of town, and this time they are staying through until her party next weekend! 

I’m not sure if you are familiar with all that being the parent of a graduating senior entails.  Money, lots of it.  Of course, the financial outlay starts a year (or two) early with the purchase of the class ring.  After that shock, you will be treated to many other  expenses, from senior ads in the yearbook to cap and gown costs.  Add to that announcements, invitations, party expenses, and it’s better to just stop counting.  The shock can be overwhelming.

Watching and helping your child prepare for their high school graduation is a bitter-sweet experience, to say the least.  It is a time of reflection and anticipation, and is really difficult to put into words.  It signifies an end to the public school struggles so many of us have handled, yet the beginning of so much more.  It is a time of letting go, but not too far, as oftentimes our ADHD kids need some additional time in the nest.

That said, I would like to publicly congratulate my daughter, Amber, on graduating from high school.  There were a number of days we weren’t sure she’d make it all the way through.  Some of her teachers did what they could to throw bumps in her way, but even more teachers took her by the hand to help her navigate the treacherous waters of high school.

High school for an ADDer is a unique experience, and their success depends greatly on the support and help of those around them.  The academic culture is much more structured than in the earlier grades, and this can be a good or a bad thing, depending on how the student’s brain works.  The social culture in high school for a kid with ADHD can prove particularly demanding. 

In any case, thankfully, another ADDer has successfully found her way through the maze of social rules, academic requirements, and parental demands placed on her in her high school years.

And it is here, in public, that I personally, and whole-heartedly, congratulate my brilliant, and tough, daughter!

Until next time, stay strong.

Tracy

P.S. Thank you for indulging me today and allowing me to send a shout out to Amber.  If you’d like to leave any notes for her, I will make sure to pass them along.

Now, this can present an interesting challenge for parents of kids with ADHD.  Oftentimes we are so involved in the struggles with our kids’ teachers that we do not want to think about thanking them.  It can seem like all they do is cause us more struggles and stress.  They give us headaches, complain about our kids, don’t help them the way we think they should.  Why is it you should thank them again?

Because of all the other things they do that we overlook the rest of the year!  They dedicate their days (and their nights and weekends) to helping our kids learn.  They grade papers, teach social etiquette, referee disagreements on the playground, run interference with the administration, and overall they care about our kids.

It is so easy to lose sight of that amidst all of the disagreements we may have throughout the year.  Make sure you take advantage of the days that are set aside to help us remember to be grateful.  Help your kids find a way to say thanks with you.  Here are some quick ideas:

·         Help your kids make a beautiful handmade cards to say thank you

·         Have your child write down things their teacher has helped them learn (if they’re in fourth grade, write down four things)

·         Give them a candle to use whenever they have quiet time alone

·         Get them a fun book for teachers (there are a lot of great ones out there!)

These are just a few small ideas of things you and your kids can do to say thank you!  Let me know how it goes, and what other unique ways you find to appreciate your child’s teacher.

The real reason this caught my attention is because I started thinking about the number of accidental injuries my kids have had.  Having a child with ADHD means there are often times more injuries, certainly more preventable injuries.  Did you know my daughter once broke her arm by running head strong into a brick wall?  Nope, this is not a joke!  She really did.  She was racing someone for a ball, the other kid slowed down when approaching the wall, and my daughter got the ball…right before running into the wall and breaking her elbow.   (Trust me, this is one of many stories about my kids’ injuries.  *SIGH*)

Urgent care was quite impressed.  The orthopedic surgeon was amused.  And my daughter?  Well, she was just happy she got to the ball first!

I’m curious.  Do any of you have interesting injury stories you can share?  Have your kids “won” at something, only to go to the doctor, urgent care, or E.R. immediately afterward?  Drop a line and let me know your most entertaining ADHD injury story!

*Next time, we’ll talk about how to prevent those injuries!

As I sat there and watched my 10 year old (ADHD poster child) blow on her cake to see if it would move (I was afraid to ask any more questions), I realized that these moments, yes, all of them, are the things our memories are made of.  One of the really neat things about ADHD is that it tends to make our memories a little more off the wall, slightly more bizarre than others may have, but I think that makes them all the more valuable.

It is so easy, well, almost necessary, to be fed up with our children’s quirks and uniqueness.  In fact, society damn near requires that we conform and express disapproval of our kids behaviors.  But I say it is even more important, for our kids and society, to embrace their quirks.  Watch their odd behavior in wonder.  Remember the days when you were not squashed by all the rules.  When you could just enjoy being you.

It is still important to teach our kids how and when to conform to certain standards (it is important to say excuse me when you are interrupting), but maybe it’s not as important as we are pushed to believe.  Maybe, though convenient to conform, it is critical that we allow our children their own personalities. 

So tonight, in honor of my dad (the one who taught me that it is more important to accept yourself than worry about others accepting you) give your kids a hug for who they are.  Allow yourself a few minutes to just watch them in wonder.  Enjoy who they are and let them enjoy who they are.  And give them the gift Brucie gave me.  The gift of self-acceptance.

Happy Birthday Brucie!!!  We love you!

Okay, so I couldn’t close out this blog without letting you in on a little secret.  When I was a kid, Brucie came to see me at a school sporting event.  I was never the most popular kid (are any of us really?) and was really hoping he could make it.  I will never forget.  I had just landed from doing the high jump, rolled onto my side to crawl off the pad and saw him walking. 

He made it.  How cool.  Then I saw it.  The most hideous thing I had ever seen.  He was wearing a sign around his neck saying “I belong to Tracy Hoobyar.”  Yes, no joke.  4th grade.  Not the most popular (not the least, but just “average”).  And my step-dad shows up wearing a sign around his neck claiming me!  I couldn’t even say I didn’t know him.  I mean, Are You Kidding Me?!

Well, now, a quarter century later, that hideous thing taught me a lesson I struggle to teach my children and every child I meet.  Never be embarrassed by who you are or by those you love (or by anything for that matter.  But that’s a different blog.)  I am not embarrassed.  My kids aren’t.  And I hope you are able to live a life without embarrassment.  It’s one of the most liberating things you can ever teach, or learn.  Be proud!

Thank You Brucie!

Don’t feel bad, this doesn’t mean that you are not doing something right, or that you will never figure it out, even though you have tried EVERY personal productivity solution out there!  It just means you didn’t figure it out today.  But hold on, there is hope.

For those of us with ADHD there are a few reasons that we don’t get done what we would like.  Among them are:

·         Setting unrealistically high expectations

·         Working in environments that are not conducive to us getting the most work done (traditional settings are often quite challenging for ADDers)

·         Being easily distracted

·         Not effectively prioritizing our daily activities at the beginning of the day

·         Because we tend to work from the whole picture down to the pieces, it can be hard to figure out where to start on a particular task

Though each of these reasons, and there are more, deserve, in fact, require, their own solution and attention, there are a few things you can do to help things improve.

First, try to be realistic in your expectations of yourself.  If you think you already are, you may be right.  Then again, maybe you’re not.  Try taking your expectations of when a certain project will be done, and giving yourself and extra 10%, to allow for unexpected surprises (you know the ones, the kitchen sink overflows, flooding the kitchen, or the microwave catches on fire when your pre-teen inadvertently puts metal in there).  This can be very helpful in allowing yourself to give yourself a break!

Try to be in control of your environment.  If you work best with a little background noise but your office is constantly silent, try an iPod.  Listening to background music can help tune out the little noises that so often pull our attention away from the task at hand (just make sure it’s not your favorite music.  Singing along to the lyrics at work could be bad.  Funny, but bad).

Next Monday I will address some of the other challenges to getting our daily lists done.  And keep an eye out for an upcoming announcement that will help you clear that age-old to do list!